My Story..

   Beep..Beep..Beep..goes the alarm. I rolled over && looked at the clock, time to get the kids up. I threw off my sleeping bag, rubbed the sleep outta my eyes, tossed my hair in a pony tail, grabed my sunglasses && ran back to the toilet. "Not again", I remember thinking. After a few minutes, I came back out of the bathroom. "Are you okay Ashley"? asked one of the cabin girls. "Yeaa, Im fine", I replied. Haha, who am I kidding, Im not okay. Not at all. I had a massive migraine, my stomach felt like it was being put thru a meat grinder, my rib cage felt like it was being crushed, my insides were sore && prolly swollen from the all nighter spent in the bathroom with the toilet as my pillow, it hurt to breathe, I felt like I was going to pass out, I was dizzy, my pelvis felt like a railroad tie was being pounded into it, && I was still throwing up...I felt like poo. How I was still standing, let alone walking around, I have absolutely no idea. Every part of my body hurt, I was in agony with no relief or ending in sight. 
    I used to work as a science camp counselor/instructor in the mountains, hiking 5th && 6th graders around during the week. It was an amazing job, the best one I've had. Going on morning hikes, afternoon hikes, && night hikes with children, nature watching && stargazing was simply a blast. I loved it. I was in heaven. I grew up in the outdoors, weather it was camping, backpacking or hiking, or playing in the backyard,I was outdoors. Thats where I was happiest. Birdwatching, listening to running water, exploring, just watching the symbiotic relationship of nature interact within its ecosystem. I taught them about wildlife biology, geology, && ecology on these hikes. Even tho it was the same hike week in && week out, it was always different. It always felt new. New kids every week && nature never really is the same from day to day. Not only was I just a counselor or instructor or cabin leader, I was a friend, I was a sister, I was a mum to these kids. They relied on me. They relied on me for everything from a toothbrush, to a meal, to a hot shower to a place to sleep. They were pests at times, but I loved em. I had to keep myself healthy && going on a daily basis. Not for me, for these kids. They counted on me, they looked up to me, they needed me. I couldn't let them down. But I felt like crap. 
    I walked over to the sink, washed my face, then went back to my cabin to start getting my girls ready for the day. "Just one more day, tomorrow's friday then I can go home && sleep all weekend", I thought. "Come on girls, lets go, get dressed, brush yer teeth, shoes && socks, you have 20 minutes to be ready to walk out that door", I told them. I slowly changed outta my jammies && into my snowboard pants && threw on a sweatshirt, took a swig of pepto bismal then plopped back onto my bunk where I laid until it was time to go. I dropped the kids off at morning session, then walked to the Dining Hall where I proceeded to help set up all the tables for breakfast. I was still in loads of pain. I had already taken 7 tramadol, 5 vicodin, && 3 norco's along with my migraine pill && my nausea pill. Nothing was working && I was getting mad. Mad that nothing was working. After breakfast was over, the kids got their hiking gear && I took a group of kids for a hike. I still couldn't keep anything down && I was fading fast. I had to do something, so I sucked it up && drank some water, knowing that in a few minutes Id be looking for a bush to throw up in. I managed to get thru the rest of the hike && the day as well as the next one. I always do. I just tell myself mind over matter, mind over matter. 
   Every month I dealt with this. Sometimes just for a few hours, other times for a day or two. Some episodes were worse than the one I wrote about, others weren't so bad. There were times when people wanted to take me to the hospital because it was so bad && I was in so much pain. There were times where I couldn't move, I couldn't even get out of bed. It got progressively worse month after month. I'd go to the doctors month after month in hopes of a different answer, but it was always the same one, "go home take some medicine && rest". It started taking a toll on me && the people around me. 
    I consider myself lucky. I know what I have. I know I have Endometriosis && you know what?! Im okay with that! I can beat this. Its just a mental game now. How bad do I want to beat this? How bad do I want to be pain free? How bad do I want MY life back?